


Swing From The Lights

by anna_sun



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Angst, Blow Jobs, Boys Kissing, Car Sex, Crack, Flirting, Fluff, Hand Jobs, Jealousy, M/M, Rough Kissing, Skam Season 3, fight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-07 04:27:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11615853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anna_sun/pseuds/anna_sun
Summary: ‘’It’s four weeks,’’ Even said, and Isak wouldn’t dare tear his gaze away from the sparks that now populated his boyfriend’s eyes. ‘’Four weeks of just you and me, my dad’s van, and all the junk food we can manage. What do you say?’’AKA Even and Isak go on a roadtrip.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Be warned - things get kind of angsty and messy, but do enjoy!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This the first chapter of (i think) 3 :)

‘’It’s four weeks,’’ Even said, and Isak wouldn’t dare tear his gaze away from the sparks that now populated his boyfriend’s eyes. ‘’Four weeks of just you and me, my dad’s van, and all the junk food we can manage. What do you say?’’

Even’s palms were now on both sides of his face, radiating warmth through his already flushed cheeks, a thumb slightly grazing on the skin of his bottom lip before he granted him a chaste kiss. Isak smiled and uttered out a small laugh against Even’s breath, shocked by the absurdity of it all.

They’d just left Prom, Even’s bowtie hanging freely on both sides of his neck, his hair muffled and his lips still distantly tasting of the alcohol they’d somehow managed to sneak in. They were standing in front of a Mcdonalds, for God’s sake, when Even suggested a _Roadtrip_ , as if that idea stood even remotely close to a real possibility.

And maybe (most certainly) these were simply Even’s drunken thoughts and dreams, but Isak still fed into it.

‘’Where would we even go?’’ He asked, bringing his arms up to rest on Even’s shoulders and letting his fingers tease at the base of his hair.

‘’Wherever!’’ was Even’s answer in a burst of energy as he flung his arms out wide, showing Isak that really, the world was their limit. ‘’We can probably make it to Russia, and beyond.’’

Even sounded so exhilarated by it all, as if electricity was running through his veins and making his blood boil with excitement. Isak couldn’t really blame him for it; he did, too, find the stupid idea appealing.  

‘’What about the money?’’ The more rational part of him asked, and he half-expected Even to frown, swear out loud and move on, maybe go in and get himself a cheeseburger (he himself was _starving_ ).

What he didn’t except was for Even to claim, ‘’I’ve got it all figured out,’’ with a confident smile splattered across his face.

Isak’s furrowed eyebrows did nothing to hide his confusion or his dubious state of mind, but Even simply repeated the sentence, followed by a ‘’Trust me,’’ and well, if Isak couldn’t do that, what kind of a boyfriend was he?

‘’Okay,’’ he said, loving Even’s reaction when the word really sank in. His mouth, opened slightly agape, his widened eyes, the bob in his Adam’s apple. Everything about Even was always so, so captivating. Isak couldn’t tear his eyes off him, especially when he himself was the reason for such pure happiness.

Even smiled a murderous smile, muttering out a ‘’Yeah?’’ in confirmation and making Isak’s stomach drop low. Isak simply nodded in response, completely entranced (and very much still drunk). 

Even kissed him them, deep and slow like he knew Isak liked, his hands resting on the low of his back and pulling him closer as he did so. Isak’s smile broke halfway through the kiss, as he couldn’t help not to, in the same way you can’t help but smile when a baby smiles at you, or when happiness just urges to burst through.

He pulled back, slowly and still smiling, when Even kissed him again one, two, three times. This brought a real laugh out of him, right before the grumble of his stomach reminded him of something else.

‘’Let’s eat, yeah?’’ he said, and Even smiled in agreement, and the journey started there.

-

Isak didn’t tell his parents right away. He simply took all of the money he’d saved over the past few years, packed his bags, hugged his roommates goodbye and was out the door in an instant. He’d been anticipating the day of their departure for a long two weeks, now, from the moment he realized they were really doing it to, well, here.

And there Even was, his hair styled up and his jeans full of holes, legs crossed and back resting on the side of his father’s minivan. The thing was painted light beige, with a strand of faux wood on the sides, matching with the brown of the seats. It looked like it came directly from the 80s, Isak thought, which is when Even yelled out, proudly, ‘’Isn’t this baby beautiful?!’’.

If he was joking, the pleased smile on his face and the three taps he gave the side of the car didn’t make it seem like it, and so Isak laughed, nodding over-dramatically and faking being hurt when Even hit him on the shoulder for it.

‘’C’mon,’’ Even regained a state of full seriousness, though a smile lingered on his lips. ‘’Let’s put your bags in the back, and let’s go!’’

They did exactly that, which didn’t take really long, as before Isak knew it, he was sitting in the passenger seat and Even, beautiful and wonderful Even, was roaring the car to life.

‘’This shit has got to be bad for the environment,’’ he commented, more as a statement than a complaint.

Even huffed, ‘’Okay, honey, sorry we can’t all have hydroelectric solar fueled cars,’’ and then, ‘’Unless you wanna ride all the way to Russia on your bike, this is what we got.’’

Isak laughed, before he asked, curious, ‘’Honey?’’, his brain having got stuck on the word. Even often called him _baby_ and _beautiful_ until Isak’s ears wanted to burn off, but honey was definitely a new one. 

Even’s response was to shrug, both hands hanging loosely to the wheel, and Isak could do nothing but accept it. Could do nothing but stare at the stupid man he loved too much to bear.

The ride through Oslo was easy, not foreign enough to make Isak feel rattled, but, as soon as they passed the single two neighborhoods Isak actually felt familiar with, he did start feeling a kind of agitated. He’d never left Oslo before, not truly, not enough. Being in a car with Even behind the wheel, driving off to wherever, it gave him images of a baby bird spreading his wings for the first time, or of a sailor sailing off to a new land. There was no other way he could quite explain the buzz in his veins.

Suddenly, at the corner of a random street, Even stopped the car.

‘’This is it,’’ he said in a dramatic voice, and Isak frowned, feeling more than confused. ‘’If we take one more step, it will be the furthest away from home I’ve ever been.’’

That didn’t help at all, because they weren’t _walking_ , so Isak kept the same bewildered look on his face, staring at his boyfriend, waiting for him to explain.

Even simply groaned in what seemed like frustration, both hands falling heavy on his lap when he said, ‘’C’mon, Isak! Fellowship of the ring? When Sam and Frodo leave the Shire?’’

The desperate tone in his voice didn’t make Isak feel guilty at all about not getting the reference right away. He nevertheless uttered out a ‘’Ohhhh,’’ accompanied by a small ‘’Sorry,’’ and ‘’I’ve watched it, I just don’t remember it that well.’’

Even shook his head (was he _disappointed_?) before he started the car again, and Isak laughed, wholeheartedly. Even sent him a look, and all Isak could say to explain his sudden burst of laughter was, ‘’I can’t believe you literally stopped the car to make a fucking movie reference.’’

Even joined in the laughter, practically drowning out the sound of the radio, before he explained himself with, ‘’The line required a dramatic pause.’’

Isak laughed even more loudly at that, own laughter interrupted by him repeating the words ‘’ _required_ ’’ and ‘’ _dramatic pause’’_. Even flipped him off, and before they knew it, they were passing a big, green sign that read, ‘’Leaving Oslo’’.

That was the exact moment Isak started fiddling with his phone, passing the object from hand to hand back and forth, before he finally grew the courage to unlock it.

A message was sent to his father, a simple, ‘’Leaving Oslo with Even, will be back in a month.’’

He didn’t wait for an answer, simply turned the phone off and held out his hand for Even to hold.

When their fingers intertwined and the arrow on the dashboard passed the speed limit, they were both already smiling like idiots.

-

They were heading North East, for the most part, slowly but surely riding their way to Sweden. The city sceneries, with the buildings, the Norwegian houses and the burning concrete soon enough turned into long roads swiveling up and down various mountains and never ending fields of pure green, of giant trees and waterfalls.

Even was as reckless as he dared to be behind the wheel. He’d sometimes roll down the windows and scream in euphoria just because he could, as Isak lifted his feet up on the dashboard, a toe always poking out of whatever hole he had in his socks.

They both discovered a new definition for the word ‘’freedom’’.

At first they slept in the back of the van; the last row of seats had been taken completely off, which made for enough space in the back for a decent mattress to lay on. It was cozy enough, with many blankets and pillows and more blankets, permitting them to save a shit ton of money on hotels. Isak found he didn’t really care where he slept, anyways, as long as he could feel Even’s breath in the crook of his neck and that the beating of his heart was there to keep him steady.

Sleeping permanently in the back of a car, most of the time parked in the middle of nowhere, also came with one big, distinct advantage. 

It provided them the freedom to be as loving, and as _loud_ , as they wanted to be.

They were both too used to hushed words whispered in the middle of the night, to the mere sound of skin slapping on skin being enough to scare them into thinking someone would wake up and interrupt it all.

They would still fuck, and they still would make love, and it was always good, but never was it like this.

‘’Fuck, babe, you’re so-‘’ Even groaned mid-sentence, voice raw and wrecked as if _he_ was the one sucking dick. ‘’You’re so good, so good for me.’’

Isak had never experienced this side of him before, the side that gripped tight at his hair and let his hips buck up into his mouth without holding anything back. Isak couldn’t exactly deep throat (yet), but he knew how to be pliant under Even’s touch, and Even knew how to make it just rough enough.

Isak hummed around Even’s shaft, fully aware of the spit that had leaked out from the corners of his mouth, yet not doing anything to prevent it from spilling. Even muttered out a, ‘’What a mess, my beautiful mess,’’ as he swiped a thumb across Isak’s chin, almost reading his mind, as he gathered some of the spit there. Isak closed his eyes when he did so, not exactly embarrassed but finding himself too overwhelmed to look at the other boy in the eyes.

It felt more intimate than anything else they’d ever done, somehow. (Or, well, maybe it was a close second to all the rimming they’d also done in the past).

Isak eventually bobbed his head up for good when he let go of Even’s cock with an obscene, audible _pop_. Even moaned, holding his erection with one hand as Isak teasingly licked at the tip, as if he was _feeding_ it to him.

Isak loved it, from the tip of his tongue to deep within his core, he loved it, though could probably not explain why if he tried.

When it started to feel like they were about to go into round two of mouth-fucking (which, he wouldn’t have been opposed to, but he had slightly different plans), he gradually made his way up Even’s naked body. This was the map he’d been trying to follow all along, the road that lead to Even’s lips and smile and eyes. The dip of his hipbone and the slight hollow of his ribs, the crook where his neck met his shoulder and the elegant curves of his collarbones.

Even’s entire body was a road trip on its own. A fucking masterpiece, full of landmarks and places to engrave his name into (and he did exactly that, in the form of a bite mark in the meat of his left thigh and of a hickey above his waistline, right below his navel).

By the time he came face to face with Even, Isak was so aroused he could barely think straight anymore. The thoughts clashed in his head like waves against the sea shore, harsh and unmerciful.

‘’Fuck, I love you,’’ he exhaled before he kissed him deep, him too, unmerciful. Even reciprocated the kiss with just as much passion, biting and nibbling as if his life depended on it. ‘’Fuck me, Even, c’mon, fuck me good.’’

Their wandering hands found each other in all places until Even’s fingers teased their way down Isak’s back, sending shivers throughout. Isak was straddling him just above the waist, and as Even grabbed the bottle of lube beside the mattress, Isak let his head fall and find Even’s neck, engraving himself there, too.

Before he knew it, as he was getting way too easily distracted by the salty taste of Even’s skin, Even was mentioning for him to slide up a little. Isak did as such and couldn’t swallow down the moan that escaped the barrier of his lips when one of Even’s slick fingers teased its way inside, him too moaning in appreciation.

Moments later, it was two fingers, and Isak had to hold on to Even’s chest to stop from touching himself, unforgiving nails digging into the other’s flesh. It was either that or finishing too soon, and Isak didn’t want this to end, not yet. He held on for dear life.

He didn’t let Even get to three fingers, though. He begged into his skin for him to stop the torture, to give him what they both wanted so badly at this point. He begged and begged until Even’s words of admiration turned into small hints of laughter, and Isak knew he wasn’t mocking him, especially when he finally conceded, ‘’Okay, honey, okay,’’ smiling through the words.

And when Isak finally felt Even’s head teasing at his hole, the sweet burn and welcomed fullness, he dragged out a moan so loud it could have probably been heard from outside the van, miles and miles and miles away.

-

‘’Have you ever…’’ Even dragged out the sentence, always going deep in his thoughts when trying to find a question. ‘’Touched yourself at school?’’

They were an hour away from crossing the Sweden border when Even suggested they play a game, and since they were stupid teenagers on a stupid road trip, they both figured Truth or Dare seemed fitting. Isak had picked truth, this time, but the other dares had already made him in debt of three blowjobs, and he might or might not have had to flash his ass to a random car that drove by. (His jeans were still undone and his shirt was risen up, his hand laying mindlessly on the bare skin of his stomach. He didn’t miss Even staring.)

‘’What?!’’ He exclaimed, sitting up in his seat a little for dramatic effect. ‘’No! I mean, I’ve had boners, but I never did anything about it, you freak!’’  

‘’Okay, okay!’’ Even said before he added, laughing, ‘’Fair enough.’’

‘’Have you?’’ Isak asked now, turning his head to really look at him. The silence that followed and the blush that creeped up Even’s neck was enough of an answer, and Isak burst out laughing, hands grabbing at his sides and all.

‘’I’d just hit puberty! Everybody was in class, so I went to the bathroom and- oh, fuck you!’’ He interrupted himself because of the way Isak was _still_ laughing. ‘’I’m never telling you anything ever again.’’

‘’Fair enough,’’ Isak used his own words against him, still smiling. Even exhaled a deep breath before he went back to concentrating on the road, and Isak let himself melt into the hot leather of the seat.

It was Even who broke the silence next, when he suggested, ‘’Let’s find a motel for the night, yeah? I could really use a nice, hot shower, too.’’

Isak nodded his head in approval, vigorously.

-

They found a motel in Sweden.  

‘’Being on the road is hard,’’ Even said to the desk lady, smoothly, one elbow on the counter and one arm wrapped around Isak’s waist. ‘’Thank God I have my boyfriend to keep me company.’’

Something in the girl’s gaze changed then, and a smirk appeared on her face when she handed them the keys to their queen bedroom. She bit her lip and raised her eyebrows when she said, ‘’You guys have fun, now. Don’t hesitate to ring if you… need anything.’’

The suggestive tone in her voice and the way she looked at them both like she wanted to devour them whole had Isak’s stomach twist in disgust, the taste of bile already crawling up his throat.

He tried not to show it too much, but as soon as Even closed the door of their room behind him, smiling and totally oblivious, Isak snapped.

‘’What the fuck was that?’’ He asked, the repugnance on his face hopefully clear. ‘’You just _had_ to flirt with her, didn’t you?’’ And then, ‘’It’s fucking gross.’’

Even’s smile faded quickly and he frowned, dropping his bag on the floor next to the door.

‘’What?’’ He said, at least seeming genuinely confused when he took a step closer. Isak stared. ‘’That wasn’t flirting! Why are you even mad?’’

Isak’s bitter laugh escaped from deep within his throat, and he couldn’t stop himself from mocking.

‘ _’Being on the road is hard, oh, thank god I have my boyfriend, wanna come and watch us have sex?’’_

Even groaned in disagreement, claiming, ‘’That’s not what I meant!’’ and ‘’I can’t help it if I’m friendly!’’

‘’Is that how friendly you are when I’m not around? Jesus Christ,’’ he said, right before he quickly moved on to, ‘’Did you see the way she looked at us afterwards? _What she said_? It’s fucking gross, Even!’’

Anger was boiling in Isak’s veins. He was angry at Even for flirting like it meant nothing, angry at the lady behind the desk for acting the way she did. Angry that Even couldn’t see anything wrong with it.

‘’That was meaningless, and you know it!’’ Even proclaimed, and then, ‘’It’s not like she’s going to come and rape you in your sleep! Christ, you have to relax.’’

The silence fell heavy over them after that, Isak snapping his mouth shut and staring in disbelief at the man he loved. He couldn’t totally wrap his mind around the fact that he’d just said that.

When Even opened his mouth to add something else, his eyes wide and teary (he knew he’d made a mistake), Isak quickly shut him down.

‘’You can go and fuck her, for all I care.’’

He quickly shut himself in the bathroom as soon as the sentence left his mouth, ignoring Even’s pleads of his name behind the door.

Tears were falling heavily, trailing down his cheeks, as he tried to concentrate on breathing properly. When he heard the door of their motel room snap shut, making it clear that Even had left, he was openly sobbing, back against the door and fingers tearing at the strands of his own hair until his scalped burned.

When he finally got out of the bathroom, freshly showered and eyes still red, the clock announced almost 2AM, and there was no sign of Even, except for his bag still by the door.

He tried to call him, repeatedly, but was sent to the voicemail each time almost immediately. He tried walking around the neighborhood of their motel, but didn’t find any sign of Even.

It was 3AM when he sent him a single text, having swallowed down his pride when he’d written that he was sorry and that he wished he would come home to him, now.

He stared at the nicotine stains on the ceiling until dawn.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't be mad at me for having them fight already, but do let me know what you think!! 
> 
> Feedback is always super appreciated. Seriously. <3


	2. Chapter 2

The faint sound of Elvis’ _Twist and Shout_ was what woke Isak up the next morning, and like in a daze, he had to blink a couple of times to try and bring his eyes back to focus. He was still so tired that waking up felt like having to swim through layers of mud to get to the surface, and it’s only when he finally got there that it clicked.

His phone was ringing. Better yet; it was Even’s ringtone.

He vigorously searched around the bed until he found the phone hiding underneath his left thigh, and his thumb was shaking when he swiped to answer the call.

‘’Even?’’ He said, voice hoarse and still raw. He cleared his throat.

‘’Hi,’’ Even said, delicately and softer than usual, the awkwardness clear in his tone. They both had no idea how to act around each other after a fight. ‘’Are you- are you still at the motel?’’ He asked, and Isak heard the distinct sound of a car horn through the speaker, and another voice, that Even answered to.

‘’Yeah, I am.’’ He paused, and frowned when he said, ‘’Where are you? Who was that?’’

‘’A- the driver,’’ Even answered and then quickly added, ‘’I’m on my way.’’

Isak hummed and nodded, even though Even couldn’t see it through the phone. There was a moment of silence then, one that Isak couldn’t bear fill with something else.

After a moment, he wondered if maybe Even had hanged up, until he broke the silence with, ‘’I’m sorry, Isak.’’

Isak bit his lip, eyes desperately searching the ceiling for answers and actively fighting off tears.

‘’Let’s- let’s talk once you get here,’’ he said, biting the tip of his tongue to stop himself from bombarding Even with questions right away, _Where were you? Why didn’t you come back?_

He knew they needed to have that conversation in person.

Even more or less silently agreed, and there was another moment of heavy silence before he said, ‘’I love you,’’ and Isak was still wrapping his mind around the sudden outburst when Even quickly added, ‘’Okay, I’m going to hang up now.’’

And then he did.

-

To say that the tension in the air was so dense it could have been cut with a knife was an understatement. Or maybe a knife wouldn’t be strong enough, Isak’s thoughts derived wildly. The task would probably require something more along the lines of a chainsaw.

Even’s tight grip on the stick shift made the veins in his hand pop out slightly, the shape of his knuckles clear underneath his thin skin. Isak resisted the urge to put his hand over his, to soothe the tension in his body with small caresses of his thumb. If he wasn’t still so angry, he’d move his hand from Even’s to the other’s thigh, he’d drive him wild by slowly making his way up until Even would put an end to the torture by taking his wandering hand into his and intertwining their fingers together, calling him an _awful_ _tease_ as he laughed brightly. The only things keeping them from crashing would be Even’s single hand still on the wheel and the hope that some power in the almost blinding light was, somehow, looking over them.

Isak, too deep in his own thoughts, had been staring. It’s when he got out of his reverie that he noticed Even had been sending shy looks his way.

He hated this.

He said as such, while keeping his gaze fixated on the window, trying to find some comfort in the blurry trees and houses that were passing by.

‘’Me too,’’ Even agreed.

They still hadn’t talked about it; not really. To see Even safe and sound after an awful night of worrying had been enough to keep Isak’s mind off the actual fight for a while, but the feelings of anger and pain kept coming back, making his lips tighten and quiver with the urgent need to say something, anything.

‘’So, where did you spend the night?’’ He said instead of _I’m still mad at you_.

Even was purposely avoiding his gaze when he answered, ‘’I found a bar. Got drunk.’’

Isak hummed in acknowledgment, knowing that Even had popped a pill or two to soothe his headache as soon as he’d arrived.

‘’And?’’ Isak encouraged, not really knowing what answers he was seeking out for.

‘’Well, I stayed there until close. I walked around for a bit of the night then. And… yeah. Then I called a cab.’’ He paused. ‘’Called you.’’  

Isak nodded, fumbling with the tips of his fingers when he said, ‘’It made me feel uncomfortable. And I was angry that you wouldn’t respect that.’’

There was no need to contextualize; they both knew what he was referring to.

‘’I’m sorry I was the reason for that. I didn’t- I didn’t think much of it when it happened, to be honest.’’ Even said, and then, ‘’But I- You were right. I regret every single word I said, last night.’’

Even was sending him looks, patiently waiting for Isak’s answer, and Isak sighed.

Right now, he knew Even meant every word.

‘’Okay,’’ he surrendered to the voice of his heart. ‘’But- please, never do that again. Like, ever.’’

Even smiled and grabbed his hand. ‘’I wouldn’t dare.’’

-

They arrived in Stockholm two days later, the capital buzzing with the noises of life. They’d been getting so used to the calm of nature in the past two weeks that the whole city seemed a bit surreal. The beautiful architecture and old-fashioned buildings splattered all over the city amid the more modern ones was enough to blow Isak’s mind and make him fall in love with the whole city.

They spent some time in museums but mostly just wandered around Gamla Stan. They held hands as they walked past the churches and various shops (Even bought a hat for himself and a cheesy key chain that read ‘I <3 Stockholm!’ for Isak), they ate like kings at a nice little joint called Phil’s Burgers and took the walk back to the car when sunset much too soon creeped up on them.

Even then insisted they find a great hotel, and while Isak would have been more than happy spending his night cuddling with Even in the back of the van, he let himself be charmed by Even’s promises of a nice, warm bed and all the other luxuries hotels generally came with.

They walked into their room attached by the mouths, kissing and nibbling at each other’s lips as the door closed behind them. Isak was hungry, starving even, for Even and everything he had to offer, and so he was taken aback when the other broke their kiss short and told him, ‘’I’m going to hop in the shower.’’

He was about to suggest he came with, when Even’s shape too quickly disappeared behind the bathroom door. When Isak tried to open it, it was locked.

‘’I guess I’ll shower afterwards,’’ he said to himself, and then, to the door, ‘’We could be saving a lot of water right now!’’

When he didn’t get any answer (not even a small laugh), he frowned at the door and walked to their bed, desperately trying to ignore the uneasy feeling that had settled deep into his guts as he laid over the covers.

-

When Isak stepped out of the bathroom, droplets of water dripping onto the floor, Even’s body was merely a rounded shape under the thick covers, a mop of blonde hair coming out at the top.

It was barely nine-thirty, and so Even wasn’t asleep, he couldn’t be. Isak put on his freshest pair of underwear before he joined his boyfriend into bed, snuggling in close behind him and resting a warm hand on his stomach. His fingers, with a mind of their own, caressed the skin there, back and forth.

‘’Are you okay?’’ Isak asked in barely a whisper, and Even’s answer was to hum and slightly nod his head yes.

When he asked, ‘’You sure?’’, Even shifted and rolled onto his back, Adam’s apple bobbing before he said, ‘’Yeah, yeah.’’ And then, ‘’Why wouldn’t I be?’’

Isak shrugged. He had no idea; that’s why he was asking.

‘’I don’t know,’’ he said, the wheels and gears in his brain working at top speed when he suggested, ‘’Maybe- I’d get it, if you told me you needed some space.’’

As the words left his mouth, he shifted onto his back too, placing both of his hands onto his own chest. Being able to feel his own heartbeat steadied him.

‘’We’ve been spending so much time together lately, I wouldn’t be like, offended, if you told me you needed space.’’ He paused. ‘’But you need to tell me.’’

Even seemed to consider this.

‘’Do _you_ want some?’’ He asked, and Isak sent him a puzzled look. ‘’Space, I mean.’’

The words bounced around in Isak’s brain, and he realized he hadn’t really given the matter much thought until now. Did he want space, away from Even?

‘’No,’’ he said, finally, shaking his head. ‘’I don’t.’’

Even’s bad mood seemed to disappear completely, as he smiled softly and said, ‘’Me neither,’’ two magic words that had Isak’s lips mirror Even’s smile immediately.  

They basically pressed their smiles together when they kissed, shy lips that knew each other well still somehow managing to discover each other all over again. Everything always felt new, with Even, no matter how many times they’d already felt it before.   

When Isak, in one swift motion, straddled Even’s waist, the boy was taken aback by surprise, though he recovered quickly. He pressed kisses into Isak’s skin, on his bare neck and shoulders, before Isak shivered at the sudden feeling of warm hands on his back. Even ran them up and down repetitively, feeling the muscles of Isak’s back shift and flex against his hands when he started grinding against him.

They were both only clad in boxer briefs, and so the friction quickly went from feeling amazing to almost unbearable, when all they really craved was to really feel each other, skin on skin.

Even’s hard length felt familiar, poking at Isak’s thigh when he unburdened them of their last pieces of clothing. This is what he wanted to do in the shower, Isak thought as he wrapped a hand around his boyfriend’s shaft. What he’d been wanting to do ever since they’d set foot in Stockholm.

‘’You’re mine,’’ he breathed against the other’s lips, and he almost didn’t recognize his own voice; it had turned hoarse and raw with lust, but with something else, too. Something predatorial. ‘’All mine.’’

And maybe his mind quickly wandered to that lady behind the counter, who never in her wildest dreams could touch a man as beautiful as Even, when his strokes picked up rhythm. Maybe he was reminiscing all the times people on the streets looked at them with wonder and at him with something like jealousy and bewilderment in their eyes, when he swiftly passed a thumb across Even’s head to gather the wetness there. When he took the time to admire the pure look of arousal that passed over Even’s face, a look that was meant for him and him only to see.

‘’Fuck, Isak,’’ Even said with an exhale, as his hips thrust up to meet the tight grip of his hand. Isak, usually, would have placed a hand on his hip to steady him and taken back control, but he quickly found that he himself didn’t have any anyways. So he let Even have it, his hand moving like it had a mind of his own, as he started mouthing words, ‘’all mine, baby, forever,’’ against his skin.

He was in the process of sucking a hickey on Even’s neck when Even, voice turned desperate, warned him, ‘’Isak- I’m- I’m gonna come.’’

Isak smiled and picked up speed, and Even came fast and hard, Isak’s words of encouragement coaching him through.

‘’Yeah, just like that baby, all for me,’’ he said, and when his hand came back from under the covers, sticky with Even’s release, he happily licked them clean ( _all for_ _me_ , he repeated, for emphasis). He was also, maybe, kind of half-expecting Even to return the favor, hoping to subtly bring ideas into the other’s head, what with him _very_ explicitly sucking on his own fingers and all.

What he didn’t expect, though, was for Even to start crying.

He heard the gut-wrenching sob before he noticed the tears, and for a moment, he froze in complete shock. Still naked and on top of him, he did nothing but stare at his sobbing boyfriend for a while, until finally something in his brain snapped and he laid a hand upon his shoulder and another one on his cheek, thumb desperately trying to swipe away the tears.

‘’What’s- what’s going on, why are you crying? Even?’’ He said, frantic, and he doubted the words actually got through to him, because Even’s cries did not stop one bit. If anything, it sounded like they’d redoubled.   

And – he knew it wasn’t uncommon for some people to cry after sex, he’d read about it when surfing on some weird parts of the internet (AKA yahoo answers, when one time in freshman year after masturbating he’d found himself crying, hard. He’d blamed it on the exhaustion, and maybe the fact that it was one of the first times he’d thought about guys in that certain way.)

But anyways, this obviously wasn’t the case for Even. Even had never, _ever_ , cried after sex, and they were well into a year of dating, now. This was unusual, _weird_. Something was clearly wrong, and Isak wasn’t ready to handle it, at all. Not like that.

He still hadn’t stopped.  

Isak moved off of him but stayed at his side, not knowing what to do except rub a hand up and down his arm, trying to soothe him as best he could.

When he asked again, ‘’Even, please, tell me what’s wrong,’’ Even’s breathing stopped, and he gasped a horrible gasp that seemed to tighten his lungs into knots before he sat up straight, moving away from him and legs moving off the bed.

‘’No, don’t- don’t stand up, don’t go, just- okay, you don’t have to tell me what’s wrong.’’ Isak rambled on, a fear he’d never felt until then having settled low into his guts when Even had started moving away. ‘’Just, please,’’ he begged again, knees digging into the mattress when he moved closer behind him and wrapped his arms around his chest. ‘’Stay with me.’’

Even’s sobs were brought down to heavy breaths and sniffles, _Thank God_ , and even though tears were still rolling heavily down his cheeks, he let himself be carried back down to the mattress by Isak’s arms and body. He was shaking like a leaf under his touch, and Isak worked fast when he brought the covers over and around them, tucking their bodies close together so they’d both be warm.

‘’Shhhh, Even, it’s okay,’’ Isak said, own voice starting to crack with the threat of tears falling on his own face. He _hated_ seeing Even like this.

‘’I-‘’ Even said, and Isak barely caught that. Though, as soon as he realized Even was trying to say something, his body completely froze. He even stopped _breathing_ , for a while, waiting for Even to finish what he was trying to say.   

‘’I did something,’’ he said, barely loud enough for Isak to hear. He frowned. ‘’I did something bad.’’


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for this one! There is mention of non-consensual sexual relations.  
> (I told you things got angsty)

_‘’Four weeks of just you and me, my dad’s van, and all the junk food we can manage,’’_ he’d said, making it sound as if the whole experience would be like a dream. Isak clearly remembered thinking it sounded too good to be true.

 _‘’Wherever!’’_ He’d exclaimed, bright and happy and full of hope for their upcoming journey on the road, when Isak had asked him where they would even go.

 _‘’We can probably make it to Russia, and beyond!’_ ’ He’d said, and Isak had believed him, with all his heart. Their drunken state and the starry night had made it all sound so surreal, yet Isak truly did believe.

But they didn’t make it to Russia.

-

‘’What did you do?’’ Isak’s voice threatened to break with each word that passed his lips. He hadn’t removed his arm from around Even’s body, but his whole body had frozen with fear and shock, waiting.  

The various horrible scenarios playing off in his head didn’t help at all, and it had him insist, ‘’Even, what did you do?’’. His entire body started shaking.

Isak sat up straight in the bed. He’d known for a while something was off, but he’d tried so hard to repress the feeling away, to convince himself it was all his imagination. That Even was fine, that they were fine. Now, obviously, they weren’t. There was no repressing that, anymore.

‘’Whatever it is, I’m sure… You can tell me. Please.’’

Isak didn’t know what else to do, what else to _say_. Had they been road tripping on stolen money? Had he flushed all his pills?

‘’Motel,’’ was the first word Even said. _Motel_.

‘’Motel?’’ Isak repeated, and he was growing tired of having to fish for every damn piece of information, but sadly, Even left him no other choice. The man was as silent, stiff, and cold as a rock. 

Even shifted onto his back and what Isak saw on his face were like the ruins of a man he once knew. He looked completely wrecked, eyes puffy and red with welling tears, and there was something in his gaze that looked absolutely destroyed, broken, even.

Isak stared, and stared, and all he could think about was the word Motel. His brain worked and worked until…

‘’Is this about the fight we had there?’’ He asked, and Even closed his eyes shut.

‘’I- After the fight,’’ Even stuttered. ‘’At the bar, I met- I met this _girl_.’’

When he said that last word, Even’s face contorted on itself, and Isak’s heart sank. All Even said next, Isak couldn’t totally hear. He caught bits and pieces and they bounced around, _drunk, sex, angry, didn’t know, meant nothing,_ but it all faded like white noise in the back of his head. Even’s words were trying hard to reach him but Isak was already pushing away, standing up and off the bed, trying to find his pants, where were his pants, where the _fuck_ were his fucking _pants_. 

‘’Oh my god, oh my god,’’ he cried out loud like a broken record, voice broken too, and when he did find the pants (under the desk), he frantically put them on, doing nothing to hold back the tears that were rolling down his cheeks. He could taste them on the very edge of his lips. 

‘’Isak, please, listen to me, don’t- don’t do this, we need- we need to talk about-‘’

‘’Talk about what?!’’ Isak snapped, and with the words he turned around to face Even, finding it harder to breathe when they held eyes contact. It didn’t stop the words from flowing out. ‘’That you cheated?! That you- you fucking waited _days_ to tell me? You let me- you let me hold your hand, and kiss you, and eat fries off your plate, you-  you swiped ketchup off my lip, and you told me you loved me, you fucking lied and told me you _loved_ me, after having stuck your dick in some other whore!’’ He paused to try and take deep breaths through the tears, and then, ‘’Is that what you want to talk about?!’’

Even moved and pathetically started kneeling on the bed towards him, the blanket draped over his thighs just enough to hide most of his private parts. It brought the taste of bile up Isak’s throat, when his glance caught the vague shadow of his pubic hair, when he was sickly reminded of where that body had been, what it had done, that body he loved so much. He closed his eyes, took a faltering step back. Even was still a crying mess. 

‘’I need – I need to leave.’’ He announced. 

‘’Where?’’ Even rushed to ask. ‘’Please – I never lied, I love you! Let’s just ride back _home_ , we – ‘’

‘’Ah, I am _not_ going to be stuck in a car with you for six hours,’’ Isak's laughter was angry, sounding fake even to his own ears. ‘’I just – I need to go.’’

‘’Isak – ‘’

Even’s voice cracked with his name, and it shattered another piece of his heart, but Isak sill grabbed his bag from the floor, still kept silent, still shut the door behind him.

He pretended not to hear Even’s desperate cries through the wall as he walked away, barely managing to stay up on his own feet when he finally made it to the elevator. He pretended he wasn't leaving his whole fucking world behind, that he hadn't fallen completely head over heels in love with a person that could break his heart like that. 

He also pretended not to hear the voice in his head, telling him this was all, somehow, his fault. 

-

‘’Jonas?’’

‘’Isak, buddy! How are you? Where are you calling from?’’

‘’Uh – Stockholm, and I’m – I’m not doing so good.’’

‘’What? What’s going on?’’

‘’I need to come back home.’’

‘’You do? Well, what’s Even – ‘’

‘’Screw Even. We aren’t together anymore.’’

Silence.

‘’What can I do?’’

‘’I just – Fuck. I need some money; the train and bus tickets are really expensive.’’

‘’Done. I’ll transfer you some.’’

Another second of silence, where Isak desperately tried not to choke on his tears.

‘’Thank you so much. Jonas, I don’t know what I would’ve done.’’

‘’It’s no problem,’’ and then, ‘’Wanna talk about it?’’

‘’No, not really.’’

A cough, from Jonas.  

‘’I’ll see you soon, okay? Take care of yourself, call if you need anything else. _Don’t_ do that thing where you somehow forget to eat and sleep for three days.’’

Isak’s laugh was weak.

‘’Yeah – I won’t. Thanks again, really.’’  

‘’Don’t worry about it, man. It’s what I’m here for.’’

 _Dial tone_.  

-

The train ride was as uneventful as it was heartbreaking. It was blurry passing trees and music so loud in Isak’s ears he couldn’t tell the difference from the thoughts in his head and the lyrics. It was the ache in his heart that burned brighter when he removed that picture of Even and him at Prom from his phone’s lock screen background, the _decline, decline, decline_ , he kept having to press every single time Even tried to call him. The two times he got on the verge of a breakdown and had to lock himself in the tiny bathroom out back to cry some more.

He ignored the snack vender who passed by offering water with a tight smile, and shook his head no when the girl sitting by him asked if he wanted some of her chocolate-covered pretzels. They were all too nice for the way Isak was feeling, each kind gesture from a stranger feeling more like a knife twisting in his guts.

He – finally – ended up at a train station only to jump right back in another wagon. Before then, a daughter jumped into her mother’s arms and some guy, happy, in love, kissed his wife goodbye.

It was the worst place for Isak to be at, and there was no relief when he set foot in Oslo’s Central Station. There was only the reminder of home, of the joy and the sorrow he left back in that hotel room, along with Even, and his heart.

-

The four depressing walls of his bedroom were the only things keeping Isak sane for a while. He tore every picture from his mirror and every drawing from their pins on the walls, changed his sheets (they smelled like him) and barely ever changed the clothes on his back. 

And he cried. Oh, how he cried. 

-

‘’This would look just perfect on you,’’ Eva said, swinging over her shoulder yet another piece of bright, hipster-ish clothing. ‘’And this!’’

‘’Eva, just because going shopping cheers _you_ up doesn’t mean it works for everybody.’’  

‘’ _Thrift_ shopping,’’ Eva corrected. ‘’There’s nothing like getting a popping vintage vest for barely a handful of change. Believe me.’’  

‘’I believe you,’’ Isak sighed. ‘’But can we just go? Please.’’

Eva’s eyes get filled to the rim with pity.

‘’Isak, you’ve been mopping in your bedroom for more than a week now. I get it, the first heartbreak’s always the hardest, but you have to try and – ‘’

‘’And what? Move on?’’ He bit down on his bottom lip. ‘’I can’t.’’   

Eva took a deep breath, went back to checking some shirts on the rack.

‘’He still hasn’t come back, huh?’’

No – not yet. Not ever, for all Isak knew, since he hadn’t gotten any news from Even ever since Stockholm. When he’d arrived back home, Isak figured Even would already be at his doorstep, with a boom-box and a bouquet of roses, begging to be forgiven. He figured he’d have to hide for a while, that he’d have to worry about crossing his path at the supermarket, or at the mall, but he never once thought he’d end up waiting for him. Never once thought he’d end up… missing him.

Not after what he did.

‘’Are you ever going to tell me what happened?’’

If Eva’s words mostly came from curiosity or concern Isak didn’t know, but he knew that she’d talk. There was a reason why he hadn’t shared the details of the breakup with anybody yet, not even Jonas. The deep sentiment of shame in his core made it impossible for him to open up, to share that Even went out of his way to flirt with random strangers, that it initiated a fight between the two, that he got cheated on. That their beautiful, trusting, happy relationship turned out to be a big, fat lie.

‘’I don’t know, Eva,’’ he said, at a loss of anything else. ‘’I don’t know.’’

-

It got better once school started.

Or – well. School was enough of a distraction to make Isak believe it was getting better, at least for the first few weeks. Even became this ghost in the hallways, a mop of blonde hair that passed by quickly, a shadow only Isak could see, and the pain was lost to indifference.

‘’At least you don’t have to face him all the time,’’ Noora, strangely knowing, said as they watched The Bachelor one night.

And yeah, at least there was that.

-

And then he came back. 

-

‘’I don’t want to see you! Leave!’’

Muffled behind the thick door of his apartment, Isak’s voice was still easily recognizable.

The doorbell had ranged and his first mistake had been to look through the peephole at the door. He should’ve known nothing good would come from someone coming unannounced late, on a Tuesday night.

There stood Even, stunning and miserable, sporting a sad look in his frown.

‘’Isak, you have to hear me out.’’ Even tried, his tone already defeated. Yet, ‘’I won’t leave this doormat until you do.’’

Isak laughed.

‘’What? You think you can cheat on me, stay gone for a month and then _demand_ to be listened to?’’

Even wasted no second to reply, ‘’Well you’re talking to me, aren’t you?’’  

Isak said nothing.

‘’Fine, don’t answer,’’ Even said. ‘’But I really do hope you’re listening.’’

During the second of silence that followed, Isak rested his back against the door.  

‘’I’m sorry, Isak. You didn’t deserve this from me.’’ He paused. ‘’You know, you told me once that love doesn’t come easy to you. I don’t… I remember you telling me this in your pitch-black bedroom some morning, back when I’d only stayed overnight like, twice. It sounded crazy to me, not only that you didn’t feel like you got all the love you deserved in your life, but… that you believed love came easy to anybody. Believed that somehow _you_ were the problem.’’

Isak’s eyes shut themselves close, in an attempt to delay the tears.

‘’I’ve always been the problem, Isak.’’ Even went on. ‘’I’ve always managed to make the wrong decisions, to be at the wrong places at the wrong times, but – but falling in love with you was the best, and easiest, thing I’ve ever done.’’  

‘’It’s too late,’’ Isak said, helpless. ‘’Please, just go.’’ 

Even banged a fist against the door.

‘’No! I swear we can come back from this! There’s nobody but you, Isak, nothing – ‘’

‘’Well, there are many girls in many bars.’’ Isak offered. Then a thought occurred. ‘’And how do I know that’s not what you’ve been doing all this time away, huh? How many sluts have you fucked?’’ 

‘’No one, not any,’’ Even pleaded. ‘’I just – I don’t even really remember it at all, please - ''

Isak’s heart missed a couple of beats. Even was crying, sobbing, right there behind the door, and Isak’s hands trembled with the need to turn the knob.  

‘’One second I was talking at the bar and the next I was being helped into some girl’s car. She – ‘’ He hiccuped. ''She drove, and I was so drunk, Isak, so _fucking_ drunk.'' 

There was this weight starting to crush on Isak's chest, this feeling that something in the story was twisted, and so very wrong.

He listening to the caring voice in his head and finally unlocked the door, to then slowly pull it open.

‘’Isak?’’

Even didn’t impose himself in trying to enter. He simply stood still at the doorframe, tears welling in his eyes, breathing heavily.

To see him right there in front of him felt surreal to Isak, but he quickly tried to move past it.

‘’Even…’’ His whole body started shaking. ‘’What are you saying?’’

Even took a deep breath before opening his mouth to answer. Isak stared, at his lips slightly parted away and the frown in his brow, and he was attentive when Even’s face gradually crumbled on itself, when the words didn’t come out of his throat but he instead seemed to lose all force in his limbs. Even’s body broke right there in front of him, but Isak was ready to pull him straight and hold him up when he started crying again, wailing, holding on to his shoulders and clinging at his back for dear life.

‘’Even, Even, baby,’’ Isak cried. The pain was so harsh it made it hard for him to breathe. ‘’I’m – I’m sorry. Oh my god. I'm so sorry.’’


End file.
